Overcoming the Darkness

Why can’t I get past this darkness?  Why do I have to struggle so much with these emotions?  Why can’t I be free from depression?  Why do I have to think so much?

This barrage of questions started early this morning….

Last night I got an invitation for today to go to a breakfast brunch with a group of my used-to-be bible study women.  Used-to-be, as in…before baby. I immediately got excited to get to have some much-needed fellowship and these ladies are a wonderful group to be involved with.

So, this morning I get up, get the kids off to school, get dressed in a nice shirt and jewelry, put on my make-up, and sit down to wait for the little guy to wake up.  That’s when it all started!  I start thinking…and the thoughts just take off!  “Maybe I should change my clothes.  I look fat.”  “Maybe I shouldn’t wear jewelry.  It looks like I’m trying too hard.”  “It’s raining out.  I like to be home on rainy days.”  “Maybe I should let the little guy sleep.”  “Maybe I shouldn’t go.”  Aaaahhhh!  Just go!  I get up, grab the little guy, and head out the door.

As I’m driving the 15 minutes into town, what little excitement I had, turns to trepidation.  It was all I could do to not turn the car around and head back home.

I pull up to the house after driving around to make sure I wasn’t the first one to arrive and head to the door.  I ring the door bell only to be met with a surprised hostess.  She wasn’t expecting me.  I hear from behind her the one who invited me say, “I’m sorry, I forgot to tell her that you were coming.”  I walk into the kitchen to see that the bar was set for just five places which meant there wasn’t enough room for me.  A hurry to get all of the place settings from the bar to the table entails, plus one.

We sit down to enjoy a wonderful breakfast.  My little guy enjoys the food very much as he sits on someone else’s lap and I feed him.  All is going well.  Then the part I have been looking forward to starts… the camaraderie, the fellowship…the talking.  This is also when the “Tornado” starts. My little guy, Mr. F-5, the measurement of an incredibly powerful tornado with winds up to 300 mph, starts his trail of destruction.  The home we are in is very ornately decorated with breakables everywhere!  A tornado’s favorite!  Needless to say, I become a storm chaser.  Long story short, after about 30 minutes, I head out the door towards home.

When I get in the car, the tears start to fall.  “Why, why, why, why, why?”  “I shouldn’t have gone.”  The picture of everyone sitting around the table laughing, talking, and enjoying one another’s company with me on the outskirts looking in, keeps popping into my head.  “I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to do this anymore.” Then I hear these words playing on the car stereo…

“We will overcome. By the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony. Everyone OVERCOME….”

I know this is meant for me. My dear sweet Jesus…

The darkness starts to fade….

“…All authority. Victory is yours.”

The Light shines through.

I arrive home with a new resolve. I can and WILL overcome this darkness…one day at a time. With Jesus’s help, I can beat this!

And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go assess the damage materializing before my very eyes! The “Storm” is raging on, but…in my own ransacked home.

Lunch Date

“So good to see you today!! I love you to the moon and back!!”

Yesterday I had a lunch date with my best girl friend. We get to see each other maybe once a month and usually always at the same place…a quaint little cafe in my hometown where literally EVERYONE knows your name.  We don’t do much on our lunch dates. We talk, laugh, and many times, we cry.

My dear friend, Sharon, and I have been friends for about twenty years.  In those twenty years, our lives have changed so drastically but our friendship has held strong. We have been through ups and downs and everything in between together and believe it or not, we are exact opposites:

I’ve had three kids. She’s struggled with infertility, three miscarriages, and has adopted one beautiful baby girl. I’ve been up and down in weight and she’s struggled with anorexia. I’m the artsy, comfy, and laid back girl. She’s the popular, cheerleader, athletic type. I live for the winter season so I can justify staying indoors. She longs for the summer so she can spend her days outdoors.  I struggle to get up in the mornings and I put my make up on ONLY when heading into town.  She gets up before every one in her household to work out, puts her lipstick on, and looks like she’s headed out for a night on the town all before I’ve had my morning coffee.

There is not one thing that should keep our friendship going…except one…our mutual love for Jesus.

Proverbs 18:19–Do a favor and win a friend forever; nothing can untie that bond. (The Message)

Ecclesiastes 4:12–By yourself you’re unprotected. With a friend you can face the worst. (The Message)

In the last few years, Sharon and I have both suffered through depression, hardships, and heartaches.  I’ve had times when I needed someone so desperately that I couldn’t hardly function.  Never fail, Sharon would send me a text letting me know that she was thinking and praying for me.  A true friend is one who sticks with you even in your darkest of days.

I’ve had times when life just seemed so utterly busy that I couldn’t remember which day it was and that usually meant too much time in between phone calls to my dear friend.  I’ve feared that she would be upset because I hadn’t even had time to say “hello”.  Never once has she condemned me for it.  She’s still there.  Waiting…but not fearing.

Over the years, I’ve had friends leave me because they didn’t want to mess with what I was going through. They didn’t have time for me.

Proverbs 18:24–One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

Sharon has never left me.

Yesterday, at the cafe, Sharon looked me in the eye, started crying, and told me that she would not know what she would do if anything ever happened to me.  I’ve only had two other people tell me that…my mom and my husband.  How  could I be so blessed to have such a loyal, devoted friend?  I’m so unworthy, yet she sees worth in me.  And I will always treasure the gift she’s given me through all these years…her undying friendship and love!

The picture on top is from clear back in 1994 with our husbands and the quote underneath is what she sent to me after our lunch date yesterday. The other is a picture of Sharon and her daughter.

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