Why can’t I get past this darkness? Why do I have to struggle so much with these emotions? Why can’t I be free from depression? Why do I have to think so much?
This barrage of questions started early this morning….
Last night I got an invitation for today to go to a breakfast brunch with a group of my used-to-be bible study women. Used-to-be, as in…before baby. I immediately got excited to get to have some much-needed fellowship and these ladies are a wonderful group to be involved with.
So, this morning I get up, get the kids off to school, get dressed in a nice shirt and jewelry, put on my make-up, and sit down to wait for the little guy to wake up. That’s when it all started! I start thinking…and the thoughts just take off! “Maybe I should change my clothes. I look fat.” “Maybe I shouldn’t wear jewelry. It looks like I’m trying too hard.” “It’s raining out. I like to be home on rainy days.” “Maybe I should let the little guy sleep.” “Maybe I shouldn’t go.” Aaaahhhh! Just go! I get up, grab the little guy, and head out the door.
As I’m driving the 15 minutes into town, what little excitement I had, turns to trepidation. It was all I could do to not turn the car around and head back home.
I pull up to the house after driving around to make sure I wasn’t the first one to arrive and head to the door. I ring the door bell only to be met with a surprised hostess. She wasn’t expecting me. I hear from behind her the one who invited me say, “I’m sorry, I forgot to tell her that you were coming.” I walk into the kitchen to see that the bar was set for just five places which meant there wasn’t enough room for me. A hurry to get all of the place settings from the bar to the table entails, plus one.
We sit down to enjoy a wonderful breakfast. My little guy enjoys the food very much as he sits on someone else’s lap and I feed him. All is going well. Then the part I have been looking forward to starts… the camaraderie, the fellowship…the talking. This is also when the “Tornado” starts. My little guy, Mr. F-5, the measurement of an incredibly powerful tornado with winds up to 300 mph, starts his trail of destruction. The home we are in is very ornately decorated with breakables everywhere! A tornado’s favorite! Needless to say, I become a storm chaser. Long story short, after about 30 minutes, I head out the door towards home.
When I get in the car, the tears start to fall. “Why, why, why, why, why?” “I shouldn’t have gone.” The picture of everyone sitting around the table laughing, talking, and enjoying one another’s company with me on the outskirts looking in, keeps popping into my head. “I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to do this anymore.” Then I hear these words playing on the car stereo…
“We will overcome. By the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony. Everyone OVERCOME….”
I know this is meant for me. My dear sweet Jesus…
The darkness starts to fade….
“…All authority. Victory is yours.”
The Light shines through.
I arrive home with a new resolve. I can and WILL overcome this darkness…one day at a time. With Jesus’s help, I can beat this!
And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go assess the damage materializing before my very eyes! The “Storm” is raging on, but…in my own ransacked home.