moms to motorcycles

Celebrating the little things in life through struggles, hardships, and challenges with God, kids, motorcycles, and everything in between!

Archive for the tag “depression”

Overcoming the Darkness

Why can’t I get past this darkness?  Why do I have to struggle so much with these emotions?  Why can’t I be free from depression?  Why do I have to think so much?

This barrage of questions started early this morning….

Last night I got an invitation for today to go to a breakfast brunch with a group of my used-to-be bible study women.  Used-to-be, as in…before baby. I immediately got excited to get to have some much-needed fellowship and these ladies are a wonderful group to be involved with.

So, this morning I get up, get the kids off to school, get dressed in a nice shirt and jewelry, put on my make-up, and sit down to wait for the little guy to wake up.  That’s when it all started!  I start thinking…and the thoughts just take off!  “Maybe I should change my clothes.  I look fat.”  “Maybe I shouldn’t wear jewelry.  It looks like I’m trying too hard.”  “It’s raining out.  I like to be home on rainy days.”  “Maybe I should let the little guy sleep.”  “Maybe I shouldn’t go.”  Aaaahhhh!  Just go!  I get up, grab the little guy, and head out the door.

As I’m driving the 15 minutes into town, what little excitement I had, turns to trepidation.  It was all I could do to not turn the car around and head back home.

I pull up to the house after driving around to make sure I wasn’t the first one to arrive and head to the door.  I ring the door bell only to be met with a surprised hostess.  She wasn’t expecting me.  I hear from behind her the one who invited me say, “I’m sorry, I forgot to tell her that you were coming.”  I walk into the kitchen to see that the bar was set for just five places which meant there wasn’t enough room for me.  A hurry to get all of the place settings from the bar to the table entails, plus one.

We sit down to enjoy a wonderful breakfast.  My little guy enjoys the food very much as he sits on someone else’s lap and I feed him.  All is going well.  Then the part I have been looking forward to starts… the camaraderie, the fellowship…the talking.  This is also when the “Tornado” starts. My little guy, Mr. F-5, the measurement of an incredibly powerful tornado with winds up to 300 mph, starts his trail of destruction.  The home we are in is very ornately decorated with breakables everywhere!  A tornado’s favorite!  Needless to say, I become a storm chaser.  Long story short, after about 30 minutes, I head out the door towards home.

When I get in the car, the tears start to fall.  “Why, why, why, why, why?”  “I shouldn’t have gone.”  The picture of everyone sitting around the table laughing, talking, and enjoying one another’s company with me on the outskirts looking in, keeps popping into my head.  “I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to do this anymore.” Then I hear these words playing on the car stereo…

“We will overcome. By the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony. Everyone OVERCOME….”

I know this is meant for me. My dear sweet Jesus…

The darkness starts to fade….

“…All authority. Victory is yours.”

The Light shines through.

I arrive home with a new resolve. I can and WILL overcome this darkness…one day at a time. With Jesus’s help, I can beat this!

And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go assess the damage materializing before my very eyes! The “Storm” is raging on, but…in my own ransacked home.

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Just Breathe

IMG_4901      Breathe…in…out…in…out…breathe.  Seems simple doesn’t it?  To…just breathe.  God made it so our bodies will automatically breathe without our intentional thought…without having to tell ourselves to breathe in and out…to breathe that life-giving breath.

In 2002, I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression and PTSD (Post traumatic Stress Disorder) and a Panic Disorder Without Agoraphobia.   What this all means is that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that causes my depression.  Also some traumatic event in my life has caused me to endure flashbacks and severe stress which is the PTSD.  (This is also a disorder that a lot of military veterans are diagnosed with after coming back from war, and let me just say right now that whatever I have went through in my life will never compare with what our military men have endured.)  The third thing, the panic disorder without agoraphobia, means that my body will start to panic or have a panic attack when confronted with certain things in my life.  The “without agoraphobia” just means that I can go outside or open spaces without fear or panic.

When I have a panic attack, my whole world spins out of control.  I can’t breathe. I can’t think. Sometimes I start to choke due to lack of breath.  I get weak and shake uncontrollably.  More often than not, I have severe chest pains, and I have literally passed out before.  Seems silly, doesn’t it?  I wish it were just silliness, but it’s a very real thing.  I have to literally tell myself to breathe…to calm down…breathe in…breathe out….in…out…

I have a charm bracelet that I cherish very much with all of my interests hanging from it.  One of the charms is just a little flat silver oval that says “breathe” and a tiny brown stone hangs from the bottom.  Believe it or not, I have had to hold onto this charm to remind myself to breathe.  To breathe.  To breathe.  And admittedly, that tiny little charm has helped me keep a level head, because if you can control your breathing, you can come out of an attack a little easier.

One time I was in therapy talking through an extremely bad part of my life with the therapist and I felt like the room was getting smaller.  The room was caving in and everything was getting fuzzy and black around the edges.  I knew I was panicking and I wanted to run.  I had never panicked in front of anyone but my husband before.  I reached down and grabbed my bracelet charm and just the feel of something solid reminded me to breathe and exhale.  The room went back to its original size.  I had found something to calm me and I realized that sometimes we do just need a physical reminder to take in oxygen and not hold our breath.

The God-given gift of breathing has to have a reminder…ironic isn’t it?  But it’s true. To those of us who suffer with anxiety…it’s very true.

Genesis 2:7

Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.

Wall of Fear

Fear of Failure. Fear of the Unknown. Fear of Death. Fear of Spiders, Heights, Clowns, etc. Absolutely everyone has some sort of fear. Just by saying this, I know it evokes an imagery in your brain of your worst fear.  I could talk about my “fear” of clowns right here (brought on by Stephen King’s IT), but there is something that can and sometimes will be more debilitating than just a fear of a big red nose and gnarly hair.  I have a “Wall of Fear”.  This “Wall” prevents me from doing numerous activities, projects, etc.  I sometimes think that “Wall” prevents me from success.

So…what do I mean by this?  Well, it’s like me starting my blog.  I have so many ideas in my head that are conjured up by only God himself, but I just can’t drive myself to sit down and pound out another page.  I hit the “Wall”.  I have a fear of the possibility of this getting big, a fear of it not getting big, a fear of saying something I shouldn’t, a fear of saying something I should, and so on and so forth.  The Wall.  I’ve quit doing some very important projects just because I have run smack dab into that Wall.

So…what do you do now?  If you have ever suffered from depression, you know that even the most anticipated activities in your life become dreaded and more often than not, something you don’t even show up for because…of your depression.  If you continue to do this, your life turns into nothing but a hole…a deep, dark hole.  So one of the hardest things we have to do with depression is to…just…go.  Do it!  Make an effort.  Sometimes a huge effort is needed, but nonetheless…make that effort!  I have literally had to force myself (or my husband has) to get ready to go somewhere with tears (and fears) and physically pull myself to standing to get going.

So…this is what I have to do with the Wall of Fear.  Physically, mentally, and yes, spiritually fight through it, over it, or around it…whatever gets me there.  Over that wall.  The hardest part is starting.  The rest gets easier.  And sometimes the rest is so enjoyable that you wonder why in the world you allowed something to ever get in your way!  Just like the walls of Jericho, the wall will come tumbling down!  Thank God!  THE WALL will become…the wall.  Instead of climbing breathlessly over it, you will be able to just step over it, then you will turn around and see that it truly never was a wall.  It was just a stupid stumbling block put there to tear you down one brick at a time.

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